Hopeless But Hoping
by NikkiJP
Summary: Between the deep hollows of his heart, James loves. But between the deep hollows of the high school hallways, James never learned how.


**Some Kames for you guys ;)**

* * *

For James, walking around the school hallways is a lot like being worshipped.

He Always gets waved at, smiled at and other students Always say hello.

James was the school hero.

Boy next door, gets good grades, never judges, never fights and on top of all that, amazing at every sport in the book.

James is, guess you could say, somewhat perfect.

But in reality, he isn't perfect at all.

James has committed what's probably the biggest crime in the history of the small town of Sherwood.

James has allowed himself to fall in love with men.

Bt no one can know about it. It would be the end of him.

His family, his friends, everyone...They would leave him behind. They would _despise _him.

However, there is person who wouldn't. One person who loves him for everything he is.

One person who knows everything about James.

And that's why he's dangerous. That's why, even though he wants to, James can't, will not fall in love.

Well, will not let himself fall in love any further, would be a better way to put it.

Kendall Knight is a golden boy. But James has promised himself to stay away from the nerdy blond.

Sometimes even the perfect guy crosses his boundaries.

* * *

"Hey James!"

"Good game, Captain!"

"Your hair looks really great today, James!"

Flatteries. Each one of them a sentence James doesn't really need to make himself feel good.

He's a god around Sherwood High.

Everyone loves him. His peers, his teachers. Even the lunch ladies adore him.

So walking into the school was like a red carpet was rolled out just for James alone.

And he loved every second of it.

However, in contrast with James' fame stood the hatred that was pointed towards whoever wasn't popular or good at sports or whatever. For whoever wasn't _normal_.

"Hey Knight! Why don't you tell us the story of why your precious daddy left?"

"Was it because he found out you like it up the ass?"

"Or because he was a pathetic little fag like you?"

James really admires whoever isn't normal.

He stops at his locker and watches as the blond puts on his ignore face and raises his middle finger to the group of jocks a few feet away from him.

James really wishes he could be the same.

That he could turn his back at his so-called friends and run away with the Knight boy he was suppose to hate.

Between the deep hollows of his heart, James loves. But between the deep hollows of the high school hallways, James never learned how.

When the bell rings, he forgets to grab his books from his locker. The only thing he can think of are the green eyes that lock with his own.

Green eyes that he's memorized. That he's seen up close way too many times to count, but not enough.

Green eyes, determined to make it through the hell that is highschool. As the person he really is. A person that will never ever change for anyone.

Green eyes that look at him with pity.

James doesn't want to do this anymore.

* * *

At home, James isn't liked at all.

His father can't him.

His mother doesn't give a fuck.

His brother resents him for being more popular than he is.

At home, James' perfect life is locked away in the deep hollows of his mind.

The house is big. Way too big and white and cold. James doesn't even considers this home.

When he walks inside, the first thing he sees is his brother, Jake, making out with a blonde girl James has never seen before.

But clearly, she's seen him before because when she sees who walked in, she jumps up, smooths down her clothes and practically screams his name.

James tries to push her away but she doesn't move.

She keeps talking on and on about how great and awesome James is.

About how much she _loves _him.

Jake is long forgotten.

She takes James' hand in hers and demands to get a tour of the enormous, white, cold house.

James doesn't get the chance to tell her no. To tell her that Jake is a better guide than he is. Because she's already pulling him with her to the stairs.

James catches the glance of his brother. A look filled with sadness and resentment and jealousy.

Sometimes James wonders if this is what it feels like to be hated.

* * *

No one should be alone this late on a saturday evening.

It's three in the morning and James got kicked out of his house.

He's got a bruise appearing on the left side of his face and he's wet. No, he's soaked because his dad thought it would be a good punishment to practically drown James in a tub of ice cold water.

James should really learn to shut his big mouth and take whatever insults are being thrown towards him.

His dad really, really can't stand him.

He said so too. Over dinner when he told his mom he didn't really like peas all that much.

He literally looked him in the eyes and explained how much he sincerely hates his own flesh and blood.

So James yelled back. Just this once. Just this once he wanted to know how it felt like to stand up for himself.

To stand up for himself and tell his family just how much he tries.

He really tries damn hard to be perfect but no one seems to get that.

And now he's out on the streets.

People passing him are either homeless or fucked up youth, stumbling home from a big party that wasn't really legal to begin with.

He doesn't know what to do anymore. Every curtain is closed, every door shut.

But in the distance, James catches the bright light from a kitchen window.

He knows that house. He's been there too many times to count.

He really doesn't want to do this. But he doesn't have any other options.

The sound of the doorbell is still familiar in his ears.

When a 14-year old girl opens the door, her eyes nearly pop out of her head.

James is too weak. He bursts out in tears and yells sorry over and over again. His sight is blurred by the wetness stinging his eyes and he turns his back at the old Victorian house. He's going to leave. To sleep on a bench in the park, anything but-

"James?"

It's really the only voice he wants to hear right now.

When he turns around, Kendall takes his breath away.

He really doesn't know how beautiful he is.

"I'm sorry, Kendall."

He shakes hs head and puts a hand on James' trembling shoulder.

"Come on, let's get you warmed up."

The house is exactly how James remembers it.

Warm, not too big. Colorful. Kendall's house is everything a home should be.

His sister is still looking at him with big eyes.

She knows who James is. Knows him from the heroic stories she's been told. She doesn't know whoever this is suppose to be.

"Katie, you should get to bed, okay?"

The girls nods and obliges. She goes upstairs and leaves James alone with the only person that's ever really loved him and everything he's got to give.

"What the hell happened to you, James?"

Kendall's eyes are fixated on the ground. Fingers softly touching his.

"My dad kicked me out. I'm sorry, Kendall. I just didn't know where else to go."

Kendall looks up from the ground and locks his eyes with James'. A faint smile appears on his face and the soft touch of his fingers turns into a grab.

"Stop apologizing. It's okay, you're Always welcome here. You know that."

James sighs and looks down at the marble kitchen counter.

"Even at three in the morning?"

Kendall chuckles and stands up. It only takes him two steps to reach James's side of the counter. He takes his hand and pulls him into a hug.

"Katie and I were having a horror movie marathon, anyways. Mom's out of town."

He presses his forehead against James'. He can feel Kendall's hot breath on his skin and he closes his eyes as he feels Kendall's hands travel down to his waist.

"Are you okay, James?"

It's just a whisper but it's the only thing James can hear right now.

So he lies and nods.

But Kendall's not stupid. He's in fact way smarter than all those people give him credit for.

All those useless, meaningless people that know nothing. About James or Kendall.

About love.

"No, you're not."

He presses him closer. James' wet shirt sticks to Kendall's dry one. Their breath is colliding and James opens his eyes to find Kendall staring right back at him.

His hands leave his sides and clutch themselves onto the collar of Kendall's shirt.

He really fucking hates crying.

But Kendall cradles him close and holds him there.

"Why don't you just take a shower, okay?"

James can't kiss him. He wants to. They've been circling around each other for years but James can't do this. He just can't.

What no one knows, what no one will ever see, is how James isn't perfect at all. He's hurting the only one that knows him.

But in order to stay normal, he has to.

He doesn't really have another choice.

So he nods and lets go of Kendall. It's the only thing he's really good at.

Letting go.

It's the only thing he's ever been doing.

* * *

The water is hot against James' skin. A burning contrast with how cold he's feeling inside.

Empty. Alone. Broken.

He doesn't know how much longer he'll be able to keep doing this. To keep this façade when all he really wants is to be exposed.

Out there for the world to see.

James just wants to know what it would be like to stop playing this role.

He cleans all the dirt and cold from his skin and is ready to face this angry, insane storm that _is _the outside.

But a pair of hands on his hips stop him.

The palms of his hand smack against the cold showerwall.

Kendall's body is warm.

His breath a steady rhythm in James' ears.

"Stop hiding, James."

Kendall's voice travels through his veins. A mix with the soft tremble of his bones and the pulsing of is own heartbeat.

He lets his head hang as Kendall's hands travel south. His lips explore the space between his shoulder blades and he pushes up close to James.

He doesn't know how he'll survive the outside without Kendall by his side.

"I'm scared, Kendall."

He's scared of Kendall's hand on the inside of his thigh. Scared of his nose nuzzling James' shoulder.

"So am I."

That's the only thing James needs to hear. He turns around and presses his lips firmly to Kendall's.

This is what James has Always wanted. What they both have been waiting for. All this time.

All this time, the only thing James ever wanted was to be loved.

He doesn't notice when Kendall turns off the shower and pulls James out of the bathroom.

He's too busy trying to figure out whether this is real or not.

Kendall opens his bedroom door and drags him inside.

He pushes James up against the door and kisses him again.

Keeps kissing and caressing James' body until he doesn't know how to breathe anymore.

"I'm scared too, James." Kendall says one more time.

He pulls James with him and mays him down on the soft bed.

James trembles when Kendall hovers above him and looks im in the eyes. He can see it in those emeralds. The fear of being rejected, or hated.

The fear of being forgotten.

"But I love you."

When Kendall covers James' body with his own and shows him just how much he loves him, James almost cries with it. He almost begs him to leave.

But he can't. He can't face that all on his own.

* * *

His whole life, James has done nothing but mess up.

They hated him. Everyone. He didn't have any friends and his family despised him.

So he promised himself to do whatever it would take to be liked. To be appreciated.

He just wanted to mean something.

But if he stays here, in this warm embrace. Protected by the strong grip of Kendall's pale arms. If he stays here, he would throw it all away.

Everything he worked so hard for.

It would be gone in a matter of seconds.

James doesn't want that again. He'll pretend if he has to. He'll lie. He'll apologize to his dad. He'll put up with his brother's jealousy. He'll let his mom get away with not caring.

He'll do anything. Anything if it means he won't be that guy again.

He'll even leave Kendall.

The only one who understands him. He'll go. He will be gone, like he was never there in the first place.

It will be better for everyone if things just go back to the way they were.

But deep inside, in those hollows of his broken heart, it's already too late for thing to go back to normal again.

James has never been normal.

He's done too much damage to himself, to the world he lives in. To his life.

But he's been pretending for the bigger part of that same life. He'll manage again.

He'll keep the façade and keep going.

James is hopeless

But he's hoping that someday Kendall can forgive him for all that damage he's done.

To himself, his family. Everyone.

He's hoping that Kendall can forgive him for the lies he's Always been telling.

He's hoping that Kendall never leaves him. That he will keep loving him.

James is hoping that he can stay in that warm embrace for the rest of his life. Facade or not.

But yet, he gets out of bed, dresses himself and leaves a stark naked Kendall to nothing but an empty bed.

He apologizes to his dad for being a fuck-up. Tell his mom it's okay not to care and tell his brother it's okay to hate him.

He never talks to Kendall again. Doesn't search for those green eyes in the hallways or the cafeteria. He's done with not being normal.

James is hopeless but hoping that, no matter how much time flies by, Kendall will Always be able to see through James' pretending.

Not that it matters, though.

James has never been all that good at hoping, anyways.


End file.
